the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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