If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize