My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize