I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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