i wish starbucks made bloody marys
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
being pregnant is like rehab
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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