No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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