Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
