he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I am naked and annoyed.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
