peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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