That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
