Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
where does the pee come out of this thing
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
