I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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