i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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