I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
