pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
