I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
