Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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