I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
