Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize