My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I am naked and annoyed.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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