Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
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