OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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