Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
