Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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