and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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