Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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