my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
