At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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