First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
