just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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