the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
