Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
