But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just threw up on my dentist
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
