I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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