There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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