Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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