I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
