You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
