Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
