So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
