I have demons in me.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
