and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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