This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
