I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
