I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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