yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
