His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
