I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm having to shit out rocks
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
