ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
