do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
