you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
