My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
