I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
