John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize